Position Vacant

Last week I was sitting in a bar with my dearest friend. We had been to a poetry evening. The poems were the usual mixed bag of quality that seemed to get better the more we drank. He said “You should get up, you’re better than this lot”. But I haven’t brought anything with me. “Well just use your phone and read a blog post”. But that’s not poetry. “Ach. They’ll never notice the difference.”

Later, as we drift through the usual conversational excuses just to be sitting with each other we somehow end up at my unattached status and him saying…

…when you start internet dating again…

Objection, m’lud. I object to “when”. I do a good line in mock outrage, but he knows me too well so I get a Paddington Bear stare and he continues…

…when you start again you should keep it short. Don’t spend ten pages trying to explain yourself. Just be blunt and say what you want.

Well, that may have some merit. I have been known to write comedic hypothetical world’s worst dating profiles (and even at times been tempted to post them), like

“Height: 5 foot 2

 Weight: Ample

 Hair: Bald

 Favourite Position: Sitting Down”

But no, the gauntlet has been tossed down and what, hypothetically, might such a profile say. It’s trickier than you think.

“Wanted. Direct woman. Don’t pussyfoot around my intellect or let me get away with stuff. Argue me under the table then haul me to bed.

P.S. I may not like you on first meeting so don’t be put off”

 

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