I have just seen a wonderful Facebook post penned by a man named Benjamin Blaine which is a remarkably accurate summary of what actually has been going on over here.
“So, let me get this straight…the leader of the opposition campaigned to stay but secretly wanted to leave, so his party held a non-binding vote to shame him into resigning so someone else could lead the campaign to ignore the result of the non-binding referendum which many people now think was just angry people trying to shame politicians into seeing they’d all done nothing to help them.
Meanwhile, the man who campaigned to leave because he hoped losing would help him win the leadership of his party, accidentally won and ruined any chance of leading because the man who thought he couldn’t lose, did – but resigned before doing the actual thing the vote had been about. The man who’d always thought he’d lead next, campaigned so badly that everyone thought he was lying when he said the economy would crash – and he was, but it did, but he’s not resigned, but, like the man who lost and the man who won, also can’t now become leader. Which means the woman who quietly campaigned to stay but always said she wanted to leave is likely to become leader instead.
Which means she now holds the same view as the leader of the opposition but for opposite reasons, but her party’s view of this view is the opposite of the opposition’s. And the opposition aren’t yet opposing anything because the leader isn’t listening to his party, who aren’t listening to the country, who aren’t listening to experts or possibly paying that much attention at all. However, none of their opponents actually want to be the one to do the thing that the vote was about, so there’s not yet anything actually on the table to oppose anyway. And if no-one ever does do the thing that most people asked them to do, it will be undemocratic and if anyone ever does do it, it will be awful.
If it weren’t so bloody serious this would all be hilarious high farce. A cross between the best bits of Allo Allo and Benny Hill running round avoiding women in bikinis to a jolly saxophone riff.
A neater summary:
- Our politicians don’t actually give a shit about anything other than themselves and their own careers. This position has cross-party support.
- Everyone knows that, so voted “Leave” because it was a way of exposing what a bunch of gits they really are (and boy, is that working), whether they wanted to remain in the EU or not.
- The problem now is that the politicians have understood just how pissed off everyone is that they have been ignored for 30 years BUT in order to rectify that, those politicians have to…do a bunch more ignoring by doing the right thing and not ratifying the decision to leave the EU.
- …which is a crock of shit because a bucket-load of people that voted “Leave” didn’t actually want to, or didn’t understand what any of it was about to start with, so actually staying in the EU is the thing that would actually be paying attention to what we want for a change.
Most of all this stems from large numbers of people thinking one thing and saying/doing another. I volunteer to be the man to implement a possible solution that would fix this mess.
- Dress all the major players (Johnson, Cameron, Farage, Corbyn and even the sensible ones like Lucas and Sturgeon) in short trousers and caps (the only downside to that is the unfortunate resemblance of Nicola Sturgeon to that woman from The Krankies).
- Put them in a room. Live TV cameras. Lock the door. Key in my pocket, and no-one is leaving until they say sorry.
- Wait 24 hours until they realise I really mean it that no-one is leaving until they say sorry.
- Get everyone to explain calmly to the nation (except Farage) that actually what they REALLY think is that leaving the EU is a shit idea and anyone that said otherwise was lying and all those promises were bollocks. (Yes, the case that leaving the EU will screw our country is so fucking overwhelming, factually, I do not seriously believe ANY of these intelligent people believe otherwise).
- Get all the others to publicly state that Farage is a fascist, nobody actually likes him or believes that anything he says is worth wiping their arse with.
- Say sorry, again, for good measure.
- Enough? Or should I ask them all to do 100 lines “I must not be a self-serving careerist twat” for good measure? Your call, readers, your call.