Focus

Some questions focus the mind.

On Friday an exceptionally drunk friend enquired whether or not I ‘fancied’ a mutual acquaintance. I didn’t answer, and the question itself unsettled me no end.

The up-side is that it made something very clear to me (not that it needed much clarification). In my own head I do not want a ‘relationship’. I am terrible at them. No-one has ever put up with me in the long-term and rightly so. Why on earth would I want to subject myself to all that again? Watching someone you care about become steadily and terminally disillusioned with you is a poor do for everyone involved.

Keep the dosage low (I’m OK in small chunks) and value your friendships. Want a drink or a meal? Trip to the cinema? Sure. And I can cook a damn fine breakfast. At least I’m honest about it.

As Kim Addonizio said…

 

Spill

You turn away. I remember again
the first time you turned toward me,
knocking over your glass.
We sat at a table, getting drunk.

The first time you turned toward me
I knew this moment would come:
two people getting drunk at a table,
getting it over with. And though

I knew this moment would come
I couldn’t help kissing you,
getting it over with, although
we might have stayed friends, otherwise;

but I couldn’t help kissing you,
starting things up—the hasty undressing, the love
we might have kept as friends, if we were wise.
Now, stupidly, we’ve come to the end.

Starting things up was hasty, love.
Knocking over your glass
I stare stupidly. We’ve come to the end.
You turn away. I remember again.

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10 thoughts on “Focus

    • Actually, I don’t see it as sad. It is better to be ruthlessly honest with yourself and accept the things that can’t be changed. Things have been better for me since I got my ducks in a row. I’m happier. I have self-respect.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. That is good to hear, I am happy you are happier. It is an important thing and should not be taken lightly. I can almost hear Pharell Williams singing in the background. I have found being gently honest with yourself works well too. It might be a girl thing? But then I am (mostly) optimistic there might be positive change. This is in response to the fact change is inevitable, and the realisation that whenever I get my ducks in a row, someone… Or thing… Comes along and nudges one our of line. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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