Some questions focus the mind.
On Friday an exceptionally drunk friend enquired whether or not I ‘fancied’ a mutual acquaintance. I didn’t answer, and the question itself unsettled me no end.
The up-side is that it made something very clear to me (not that it needed much clarification). In my own head I do not want a ‘relationship’. I am terrible at them. No-one has ever put up with me in the long-term and rightly so. Why on earth would I want to subject myself to all that again? Watching someone you care about become steadily and terminally disillusioned with you is a poor do for everyone involved.
Keep the dosage low (I’m OK in small chunks) and value your friendships. Want a drink or a meal? Trip to the cinema? Sure. And I can cook a damn fine breakfast. At least I’m honest about it.
As Kim Addonizio said…
You turn away. I remember again
the first time you turned toward me,
knocking over your glass.
We sat at a table, getting drunk.
The first time you turned toward me
I knew this moment would come:
two people getting drunk at a table,
getting it over with. And though
I knew this moment would come
I couldn’t help kissing you,
getting it over with, although
we might have stayed friends, otherwise;
but I couldn’t help kissing you,
starting things up—the hasty undressing, the love
we might have kept as friends, if we were wise.
Now, stupidly, we’ve come to the end.
Starting things up was hasty, love.
Knocking over your glass
I stare stupidly. We’ve come to the end.
You turn away. I remember again.